Dating Advice for Men NEWSLETTER - 6-27-2005: LOSING YOUR RELIGION Dear Carlos, I understand you were raised from a catholic upbringing. I am 19 yrs old, about to enter college and have been studying social dynamics/ dating for quite sometime now, I have changed my perspectives and beliefts towards the subject of sex. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and very much a highly spiritual person. But I tend to have these weird sexual guilt sometimes, perhaps it's from the years and years of brainwashing and social conditioning I received from my parents and every non believers out there. I also still have friends that tries to make me guilty everytime I talk about sex and comment about a hot chick. They call me a " perve" , " a horny filipino" , a " man whore" and I also have friends that are religious and probably knows I'm not that religious by my laidback attitude towards sex by trying to convert me by telling me to stop my " raw desires" or I will burn in the fires of hell. Plus, it's also my family, my parents keep preaching to me about Pre-marital sex and plus my sister is always trying to hook me up w/ these nerdy girls...lol. Now my question is, I really want to get my innergame together and stop feeling all these guilt that I would sometimes feel when it comes to chicks, what are some good ways to do that? How can I change my social environment and be cool about it w/ my catholic community? :::::::::::: CARLOS: Yes, I've been a Catholic, as well as a great many other things in my day. I realize that by bringing this up, I'm risking losing people, but I think the smart guys will know where I'm coming from. When I cover this topic I am walking on very emotionally charged ground. People are VERY sensitive to their religious and spiritual beliefs, because they really are the foundation of our life. If we have no grounding, we wander aimlessly, wondering whether it's all worth it or not. The one thing that has served me most is that you need to understand that RELIGION is a man-made thing. It is not NATURAL. We are imposing a man-made order on something that is beyond us to control or understand. And, unfortunately, most religions over time have made it all about POWER. Power over the people. If you control what someone holds as their fundamental principle in life, you control THEM. That's what we see in many religious doctrines. That's why I no longer subscribe to any "religion." I am very spiritual, but I just don't believe it's in our ability to even comprehend the nature of God. Or whatever you believe is the spiritual force in the universe. So I decided that, even though I was very comfortable with the church (and that comfort really mean that I wasn't growing, I was just clinging to outdated beliefs) that I could no longer hang with my home boys of the Cloth. I had to move on and explore. So I dabbled in other religions. And they promised much, delivering only one thing. (And this is actually a valuable benefit of religion. ) A sense of belonging and community. But sometimes even that can even be twisted to dark designs. Look at David Koresh, or any of the cult leaders from the past. The thing I learned to watch out for is when you are told that you will be punished for NOT believing what they tell you to believe and do. That's false and manipulative. I believe that any God that had the power to create is also smart enough to know that I'm still a good person, even if I didn't make it down for the communion wafer this week. I also watch out for BLACK & WHITE thinking. You know, the kind that says that if you don't believe EVERYTHING this person/book/church/etc. has to say, then you can't be a part of their group. (Funny how this is the way most every religion works.) Ya dig? So I won't even pretend to advise anyone on their beliefs, even though mine are pretty obvious. But you can reconcile your understanding like this: THINK FOR YOURSELF. The one thing every organization based in power fears most is that the people will think for themselves. They will become intelligent and see through the lies that there is really more to the picture than they were led to believe. So if your friends tell you to watch out for pre-marital sex, well that's a decision you'll just have to make for yourself. If you decide to follow it, congratulations for standing behind something you believe in. But get educated FIRST. THEN decide. Not the other way around. It sounds like you made up your mind that there are things that you don't agree with about your church. That you know there are ways to attract women you want. Great, now decide what you're going to do with that. Are you going to live in fear of discovery? That's going to be much more painful to you because you will be running around fearing that you're doing something WRONG. And that you're going to get PUNISHED for it. And that you'll LOSE APPROVAL FROM YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS for it. And that right there is enough to keep 95% of the people following the religions they were born with. All of those things, by the way, are based on FEAR. The other motivator in life is DESIRE. Which, funny enough, is another tool of deception for many. If you can make someone fear their own desires, such as for sexual gratification, then you TOTALLY CONTROL THEM. Wow, heavy stuff, huh? I don't like being this heavy, so I'll just say this: You can't get your game together if you're undermining your own self-confidence by believing you could be WRONG and you might be PUNISHED for it. So get past that as fast as you can. Make up your mind that you won't be manipulated. Make up your mind that you'll think for yourself, and you'll believe what you believe because you CHOOSE to believe it, not because someone told you you MUST believe it. And keep your mind OPEN. Never become one of those people that closes off all paths, because then you'll be no better than the people who lock you into their dogma. Don't live in the middle ground of guilt and uncertainty, because that's really what hell's all about. The hell of other people's opinions and judgments. And the hell of being in a place where you never live your life to the fullest. Or the hell of worrying that you'll end up at the end of your life having made the wrong choice, and then never making any choices as a result. In the immortal words from Braveheart: "Every man dies - but not every man truly lives."

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